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bitchin' kitchen
chaseketeers will be thrilled to learn that ginger sex-ferret lead singer mike stirton has had a new kitchen fitted.
in a "hello" magazine-style intrusion of his privacy, we broke into his swanky flat at the heart of edinburgh's fashionable "violent and desperate junkie" district on broughton road and took some grainy pictures of his trendy new food preparation room.
here are a couple of predictable before and after pics.

as you can see, he's cast off the glacial industrialism of the "blue cannister" look, and replaced it with a more homely "naked woman" effect. but she's not just for show. no, no, no. she also doubles as as a handy cucumber holder for those occasions when mike is entertaining guests with sensitive teeth who like tepid, vaguely fishy cucumber. eedinburgh band the mighty chase - they wrote a song about thierry henry and love poison monkeys

stu strikes a pose

tippi the velvet

friday feb 6 saw the chase face their toughest challenge since someone had to explain to insane bass player roy that we didn't think a 45 minute speed-metal cover version of holst's the planets suite was such a good idea.
headlining a showcase night at the commplex, the band had to follow someone decent for a change - sexpot rock chick tippi.
it was bad enough that she and her band sounded sooooo professional, but then tippi proceeded to take her leather jacket off and frolick around in a boob tube.
when the chase took to the stage, stu did momentarily consider getting his teats out to retaliate, but decided to mope around vacantly staring at his shoes instead.
anyway, stupidly heavy and fast punk versions of jungle book and ulysses 31 soon dulled the senses and hopefully erased from the audience's synapses the vague notion that tippi was the "proper" band on the night....

Chase promise to "shock and awe" crowd at Subway gig.
Chase drummer Jake "Aaaaaargh" Miller has issued a stern warning to gig-goers intending to see the band at their forthcoming Subway performance on Edinburgh's fire-ravaged Cowgate.

The stick-wielding maniac, famous for his on-stage vaguely-rythmic "eppies", claims the group's faithful fanbase of around six have not seen anything yet, and has vowed to pummel innocent civillians into submission at the Subway gig on April 12.

Incoherent

Speaking exclusively and incoherently to themighty-chase.com from his padded room in an undisclosed secure unit mental ward, Miller slabbered:

"Like, woah man, we're like, totally going to kick ass man.

"This will be, like, the first stage of our new shock and awe campaign. Man."

Before the energetic drummer - who recently starred in a cameo role as the cave-troll in the epic Lord of the Rings trilogy - could reveal any more, he seized two pencils from our reporter and lapsed into an 18-hour drum solo which was only ended when a crack team of Special Force Rhino Hunters took him out with a barrage of anaesthetic-tipped spears, javelins, and clubs.

Guitar "spaz" reveals addiction to poison-monkeys

The music world united in utter apathy this week to the news that Chase lead guitarist Stuart Farquad is struggling with a poison-monkey addiction.

The famously-miserable and foul-mouthed musician had his habit exposed earlier this week when an illegal shipment of Peruvian Biting Monkeys escaped whilst being unloaded at Leith Docks.

Thirteen people were killed as the group of distinctive wide-eyed and brightly-coloured monkeys ran amok, terrorising locals and indiscriminately sinking their poisonous teeth into flesh and sinews and gristle and bums and willies.

A crack team of Special Force Monkey Hunters dispatched by authorities to quell the rampant primates machine-gunned the fuck out of the little bastards and took out a huge amount of locals out as well. But few cared.

Bellows

A full investigation was launched by Customs, who quickly traced the illegal monkeys to an address in Central Scotland, where Farquad was found to be distilling a variety of poison-monkeys into a sap-like resin which it is believed he intended to inject into his ass with a big set of comedy bellows.

The guitarist, one of the founder members of The Chase, was taken to a police cell and ritually gang-banged until he promised to quit. Seventeen weeks later, he reluctantly promised to quit.

Speaking exlusively to themightychase.com, the enigmatic band-member, famous for his revolutionary new "spaz technique" of guitar-playing, admitted he had come to terms with his problem.

"It's true. I smoke poison-monkeys," said Farquad.

"I also occasionally inject their essence up my ass when I'm feeling very low."

Farquad revealed his deep sense of regret about his sickening addiction, and vowed he would try to kick the habit for his fans.

"Yes I'll do exactly what it says above," he said woodenly.

The guitarist also told of the sickening trade in poison-monkeys which is believed to be spiralling out of control in the UK.

"I started off smoking dried-up Canadian Hooting Bastards, which very quickly weren't enough. So I moved on to Screaming Bejesus Uglies, which give you a really mellow sense of utter terror.

"After that I moved on to the deadly Tiny Biters of Guatemala, the Argentinian Lesser Spotted Face Grabber and eventually Peruvian Biting Monkeys which are very expensive, very rare, and very very good.

"These days you can pick up a half-ounce bag of shredded poison-monkeys for about a tenner, a gram of poison monkey gland for fifteen quid, and rectal scrapings for thirty pounds an ounce."

Farquad said he now intends to beat his monkey habit by beginning a revolutionary twelve-week course of Tantric self-abuse.

"It shouldn't represent too much of a lifestyle change," he added.

Lead singer in "third sex" scandal

Chase lead singer Mike "The Mike" Stirton has strenuously denied rumours that he/she/it is a hemaphrodite.

It was revealed last week - to the boredom of everyone involved - that the runty ginge frontman was neither male nor female.

Exclusive pictures obtained by themightychase.com appeared to show Stirton, or Little Pissmartin as he/she/it is known to his/her/its peers, in a state of undress abusing a live-in gimp known as Scoop, with a giant set of comedy bellows.

Whilst such depravity seemed hardly surprising coming from an individual known in gay circles as "Bucket", it was the apparent absence of any form of genitalia attached to Stirton which sent shockwaves resounding around the world and led many to believe that the singer belongs to the "third sex".

Front-bottom

A witness who saw the pictures but did not wish to give his name because I made him up said: "It was disturbing. Where there should have been a tadger or a front-bottom, there was just a mound of plasticky nothingness, like Action Man or Barbie has."

However, the singer, who makes an estimated £4.5 million every year from pharmacutical companies who harvest the boils on his/her/its neck, has hit out at the allegations.

Mumbling down the phoneline from his disgusting Edinburgh slum, he/she/it said: "I do so have a tadger. It's just not very big.

"However, although it may be like a needle, it goes like a sewing-machine. Arf! Arf!"

At which point we hung up on him/her/it. It is understood the singer is now in hiding after a crack team of Special Force Third Sex Hunters put a three quid bounty on his/her/its head.

"Squaw" claims confirmed

It has been confirmed by The Chase High Command that bass player Roy
"Hightower" Jackson is really in fact a dowdy Apache Indian squaw.

Jackson, who is known as Mighty Knees by his Indian peers on account of
his mighty knees, has been leading his incredible double-life since the age of 15.

While appearing to be an intimidatingly-large Morris Dancing freak in his regular guise, the bass player has for the last decade been making frequent visits to an Indian Reservation in the American Midwest to fulfil his duties as a squaw.

"I help to treat animal hides, cook hearty rattlesnake broth, and I also get spit-roasted by the tribesmen on a regular basis," revealed Jackson last night.

"It helps to mellow me out after the stresses and strains of putting up with Stirton and Farquad which is like having a couple of Guatemalan Tiny Biter poison-monkeys nipping at my tits day in, day out.

"One day I'm going to send them spiders in the post, I swear."

The revelation of Jackson's secret life comes during a difficult year for the outlandishly large bass player, whose shinbones alone are said to be three metres in length.

While mountain climbing in the Himalalayas in January, he was mistaken for a yeti and captured by a crack team of Special Force Snow Monster Hunters. It was several weeks before Tibetan authorities realised their mistake and let him back out into the wild.

And in February, Jackson was harpooned by a crack team of Special Force Sea Monster Hunters while swimming off the coast of Japan. Before they could realise their mistake, Jackson had swatted their vessel with one of his mighty fists, sinking it instantly and resulting in the deaths of all of its 5,000-strong crew.

And just last week, a family of Giant Monkey-Eating Ospreys began nesting in his hair, mistaking him for a 300 foot high stack of rocks.

Each bird had to be brutally machine-gunned in the face by a crack team of Special Force Unlikely Bird Hunters.

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